@ 2005-07-17 13:08:00
if we get married, to lead a peaceful and lasting marriage, we need to get to the following agreement.
1. you are deep-soul man, i respect and love that very much. you are not good at dealing with reality. In US, it is the money that runs everything- if you have enough money, you can get most things you want, even a peaceful environment for promoting a peaceful mind, that you need.
so, i will try, work on making money, manage money. Although i wanted to be a spiritual nobel as you are, who does not? but we will not have the sense of security if we both go the direction of being noblely spiritual. since you are very good at the abstract stuff, I will be the one who will go ahead do, execute and make money. what you need to do is to respect me and support me. your ideas will be welcome, but no negative or forcing comments is acceptable, even if I fail.
Between going to NYU for spirital growth and try to get a security for my family, what would you choose for me, for us? If you agree, never look down on me about the choice.
2. i will take care of you, you will take care of me. but you must respect my physical freedom - is it of basic human need. In case I am being upset, you must at least allow me to be aloof as i need to come back to my sense. It is very hurtful to my physical as well as mental health to be upset, nervous and desperately struggle with you. please you must promise to accommodate on this.
3. We will buy you insurance, of course. You must search professional help on your fear factor. I am with you, there are people who love you and care for you if they know you, what you need to fear about? (furthure discussion about weapon vs. life need ed)
4.Another thing about reality, you must respect and cooperate my decision on home arrangement, decoration and other stuff.
5. You must accommodate my working schedule while, if, you being a writer. I might will work during the day and need rest during the night and weekend. You, we must, need, to find some way for your social need. we will help each other on making friends.
6. You must try your best to behave normal- not swing from being idiotly idle or aggressively nasty.
7. You must try to be sober, face reality when communicate with me, consider situation and my status. Try and let me know if you are in your deep-thinking or dreaming status because otherwise it can be mentally abusive. (As you know, your idea and thoughts can be fascinating most of time, i love to share, but I simply am not able to fully be there some time, and living in reality takes energy.
8. Never stop open communication. Never force me, NEVER FORCE ME PHYSICALLY, OR BY PHYSICAL MEANS. (I am not talking about sex)
9. Trust and respect.
10. Respect and support my love to my family. You MUST never joke again about sex with my family.
11. If any of us failed to play his/her part right, if it won't work out between you and me, you must be understanding that I was from a good will originally, you must try still be kind- it is extremely hard as we all know, but do try please.
12. If we can not have baby for some reason, help me to be optimistic about it.
let me know your condition as well.
And I love you.
Three days earlier you had called me to say that you needed to talk to someone soulful. We talked. Three days later I told you that I cannot believe in your good will. You are still clinging to the image of your goodness. But that is not enough to make it so. Your insecurities are evidenced in your sudden changes of mind. I asked you to answer a single question: Did you ever mean the things that you wrote above? Yesterday you spent an hour abusing me by way of avoiding the answer.
How can you love anybody? I cannot begin to believe that you even love yourself. Can anyone ever respect a mind that undergoes such reversals?
Your emotional explorations are a mystery to me. One way or another, they always seem to end up in revilement and recriminations. I have asked you many times to measure yourself against the accusations that you aim at me. You still fail to do so. How can you berate me for making myself into a victim, only to complain in the next breath of your difficulties in ridding yourself of me? By my count, this marriage proposal makes the fifth time that you come after me long after I have walked away. And yet you take no responsibility for sticking to any decision, for staying in one place long enough to make anything of yourself and your relations.
You ask me why I keep talking to you after having described you as damaged goods. In the past, I have done so in response to your accounting of my faults. As I told you four weeks ago, and as I repeated yesterday, I agree with most points that you put forth above. I am not easy company to keep. But two wrongs cannot make a right. My faults cannot prove your virtues. You have promised many times that you would see a psychiatrist. Do it for yourself, if you will not do it for anyone else. The facts of your inability to commit to any consistent position in our interactions, compounded by your avoidance of all planning for the future, should suffice to alert you to something having gone awry. Please do not deceive yourself in this regard by shifting focus to my alleged propensity to FORCE YOU. You will always be forced by people and circumstances, as long as you continue to refuse to take charge of your life with a clear and undivided mind.
I want to think highly of you. I want to overwhelm the memories of your malfunctions with living impressions of your kindness. I want to believe in your sincerity, your generosity, your dependability. All the same, I am not interested in you making money for me. I am managing family assets worth well over a million dollars. That is enough to take care of things in any number of ways. If I need more money, I can earn it by consulting. Least of all would I agree to delegate my duties to deal with reality and my executve authority over its choices and outcomes to my mate.
Neither am I interested in agonizing over your notions of my fear factor and death wish. I am what I am. I have definite ideas of my comfort, my vocation, my security, and my duties to myself, my family, my friends, and my neighbors. I choose to go forth armed. My choice is only reinforced by assuming responsibility for nothers. I do not make this choice lightly. I understand that you are uncomfortable about that. You have expressed your misgivings for many of my choices and preferences. You know that I have accommodated you in most of them. But this one is non-negotiable.
Likewise is my need for peace and solitude. I work inside my head. If that creates an intractable problem for you, we cannot live together. My living arrangements are not as flexible as you wish. I prefer to stay in my house, but that is not an essential requirement. I can rent it out and move into a smaller place. But I will not live in the conditions that you find so appealing. I have lived in many apartments. I have dealt with many landlords. I would sooner move into a trailer park than deal with either of these encumbrances. If you want your mate to partake of your relentless dedication to the lifestyle of a new immigrant, you would have to seek him in their midst.
Let me make one thing absolutely clear. I am talking to you in the hope that our future actions towards each other put both of us in the best light. I want to be able to account for all of the pain that we caused each other in the past as the costs of two difficult people coming to terms with their indispensable contributions to each other. The only alternative to this interpretation is to discount our interactions as a succession of egotistic head games. Since I do not accept this assessment of my efforts to relate to you over the past three years, I prefer to withhold it in evaluating your past and present positions in their regard. I am hoping that you can help me in this endeavor. Please begin by answering my question.