Michael Zeleny (larvatus) wrote,
Michael Zeleny
larvatus

secret names for tainted love

At the onset of puberty the fortunate schoolboy meets the most intense excitement that befalls a human explorer. What alien terrain stirred up more virile pilgrims than the landscape of female anatomy? Past the furled portal of the vulva the fledgling speleologist discovers an elastic conduit to the culmination of desire. Thenceforth his noblest ambition shall define itself as an adjunct to the vagina. He finds this organ angled upward and toward the small of the back. He then learns that this angle can vary from woman to woman. Its orientation corresponds to the sexual habits of featherless bipeds. Among most terrestrial life forms, copulation occurs in the dorsal-ventral position with the male mounting the female from behind. By contrast, most ethologists until recently thought that ventro-ventral intercourse was unique to humans. Nowadays many other species, including our fellow primates such as bonobos, gorillas, siamangs, and orangutans, along with aquatic mammals such as dolphins, whales, and porpoises, are known to enjoy this style of sexual interaction. (Blackledge, 2004.) In a speculative vein, pop evolutionists postulate that the vaginal angle in human females has shifted in such a way as to make intromission easier in the ventro-ventral mode, also known as the missionary position. (Morgan, 1972, 1982.) Others explain this downturn as adaptive, in so far as it maximizes the chances of sperm pooling in the vicinity of the cervix when the female is lying on her back. (Masters & Johnson, 1966.) Along similar lines, evolutionary “just so stories” account for breasts as mimicking buttocks in compensating for the development of an upright posture and frontal or face-to-face sexual encounters. (Morris, 1967.) Wags define this horizontal tango as a navel engagement that leads to an honorable discharge of semen, whereas pedants dissect its topography in terms of variance in ano-vaginal distance, the span of the taint. But only one language boasts adequate vernacular terminology for its observable range. Readers blessed with an understanding of Russian will enjoy a bilingual account in the sequel.

Every skirt chaser is bound by honor and utility to learn the importance of language to the fulfillment of his vocation. Thus Russian men classify vaginas in accordance with their location and orientation. The lowly sipovka, taking its name from a coarse pipe fashioned out of a bog reed or tree bark, finds itself closely aligned with the anus, and thus best suited for retrograde engagement in the dorsal-ventral position. The most common sinyavka, bearing a name shared by the herbaceous perennial “widow flower” of the genus Knautia in the family Dipsacaceae and mycorrhizal mushrooms of the genus Russula in family Russulaceae, angles away towards the front, equally suitable for manly address from front and rear. In the lay of this venereal land the pride of place belongs to the korolyok, the literal little king or golden nugget, standing proud towards the navel and yielding the finest fit for mutual engagement therewith. What other language can boast such sexual refinement?

Подводя итоги:
королёк — высокое расположение влагалища ближе к пупку;
синявка — среднее и нормальное расположение влагалища;
сиповка — заниженное расположение влагалища ближе к анусу.

Подцензурный первоисточник, Владимир Даль, Толковый словарь живого великорусского языка:
КОРОЛЬ … Королёк м. умалит. африканский королёк. | Одна из самых малых европейских пташек, Motacila regulus. | Частица, слиточек зерночистого металла, выплавленное в горну или под паяльною трубкой. Не велик королёк, да дорог. | Коралёк, кораловый шарик, пронизь. И рад бы в корольки (т. е. вырядиться), да животы коротки. Справил бы однорядку скорольки, да животики коротки. | Красивый и редкий выродок и пр. апельсин с малиновою мякотью; | князёк, белая мышь, белый воробей, ласточка: белый или пестрый соболь, куница; осетр с икрою тельного цвета и пр.; зовут так же и белых кроликов. | Сельдь вожак, передовая рыбка, матка; если она погибнет, то весь косяк (стая, руно) разбивается и недоходить до места. | Сиб. порода малых кур, весьма несучих. Садовые корольки, красный, стручковатый перец. Корольковый, к корольку,королькам относящийся. Корольковые весы, самые дробные и точные, для взвешиванья выплавленного зернышка золота или серебра и пр. Корольковое ожерелье, кораловое. Корольковая икра, белая.

СИНИЙ … Синявка ж. растен. Knautia, см. коростовик. | Гриб сыроежка. | Арх. морская камбала.

СИПЛЫЙ … Сиповка, стар. сипоша ж. тростниковая, бузинная, ивовая (из снятой коры) дуда, дудка, свирелка, южн. сопелка, оренб. башкр. чибызга. Стрельцы шли… и в сипоша не играли, и в барабаны не били. Сиповщик, свирельщик, сопельщик, дудочник.
More details on intimate female morphology can be found here.

REFERENCES:

Catherine Blackledge, The Story of V: A Natural History of Female Sexuality, New Brunswick, NJ: Rutgers University Press, 2004.

W.H. Masters and V.E. Johnson, Human Sexual Response, Toronto; New York: Bantam Books, 1966.

Elaine Morgan, The Aquatic Ape, New York: Stein and Day, 1982.

Elaine Morgan, The Descent of Woman, London: Souvenir, first edition 1972, revised 1985.

Desmond Morris, The Naked Ape: A Zoologist’s Study of the Human Animal, New York: McGraw-Hill, 1967.

Crossposted to [info]larvatus and [info]linguaphiles.
Tags: language, lexicography, persiflage, russian, sex, tasteless
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