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Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Michael Zeleny" journal:
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06:04 pm
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portraits from memory
My Debt to German Learning
My first serious contact with the German learned world consisted in the reading of Kant, whom, while a student, I viewed with awed respect. ( Read more... )
Portrait from Memory
Presenter: This is the BBC Third Programme. We have in the studio Bertrand Russell, who talks to us in the series, “Sense, Perception, & Nonsense, Number Seven: Is this a dagger I see before me?”
Bertrand Russell: One of the advantages of living in Great Court, Trinity, I seem to recall, was the fact that one could pop across at any time of the day or night and trap the then young G.E. Moore into a logical falsehood by means of a cunning semantic subterfuge. I recall one occasion with particular vividness. I had popped across and had knocked upon his door. “Come in”, he said. I decided to wait awhile in order to test the validity of his proposition. “Come in”, he said once again. “Very well”, I replied, “if that is in fact truly what you wish”.
I opened the door accordingly and went in, and there was Moore seated by the fire with a basket upon his knees. “Moore”, I said, “do you have any apples in that basket?” “No”, he replied, and smiled seraphically, as was his wont. I decided to try a different logical tack. “Moore”, I said, “do you then have some apples in that basket?” “No”, he replied, leaving me in a logical cleft stick from which I had but one way out. “Moore”, I said, “do you then have apples in that basket?” “Yes”, he replied. And from that day forth, we remained the very closest of friends.”
— Jonathan Miller, Beyond the Fringe, 1962
Tags: comedy, philosophy, russell
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05:43 pm
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your ladyship’s pussy’s inside
Herewith a convincing candidate for the most nauseating screed in the history of mankind: ( Read more... ) Snatching lace from top-booted pussy’s vomit takes some kind of Victorian chutzpah. Thanks to Jack Campin for this inspirational tale.
Tags: animals, bullshit, comedy, sex, tasteless, usenet
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06:08 pm
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upper volta with rockets
Niggers always want credit for some shit they’re supposed to do. They’ll brag about stuff a normal man just does. They’ll say something like, “Yeah, well I take care of my kids.” You’re supposed to, you dumb motherfucker. “I ain’t never been to jail.” Whaddya want? A cookie? You’re not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherfucker!
—Chris Rock
Русский народ никому ничего не должен. Напротив, это ему все должны за то зло, которое он мог причинить миру — и сейчас еще может, — но не причинил. А если и причинил — Чернобыль, то не по злу, а по простоте своей технической. Кто защитил Европу от Чингисхана и Батыги ценой двухсотлетнего ига, кто спас ее от Тамерлана, вовремя перенеся в Москву из Владимира чудотворную икону Божьей матери, кто Наполеона окоротил, кто своим мясом забил стволы гитлеровских орудий? Забыли? А надо бы помнить и дать отдохнуть русскому народу от всех переживаний, обеспечивая его колбасой, тушенкой, крупами, картошкой, хлебом, капустой, кефиром, минтаем, детским питанием, табаком, водкой, закуской, кедами, джинсами, спортинвентарем, лекарствами, ватой. И баснословно дешевыми подержанными автомобилями. И жвачкой.
Но никто нас не любит, кроме евреев, которые, даже оказавшись в безопасности, на земле своих предков, продолжают изнывать от неразделенной любви к России. Эта преданная, до стона и до бормотания, не то бабья, не то рабья любовь была единственным, что меня раздражало в Израиле.
— Юрий Нагибин, Тьма в конце туннеля, 19 |
Russian people do not owe anything to anyone. On the contrary, everyone owes them for the evil that they could have caused to the world — and can cause even now, — but refrained from causing. And even if they did cause evil, as in Chernobyl, it was not out of malice, but due to their primitive technology. Who defended Europe from Genghis Khan and Batu Khan at the cost of a bicentenary yoke? who saved her from Tamerlane, by a timely transfer of Our Lady of Vladimir to Moscow? who cut Napoleon down to size? who stopped the barrels of Hitler’s guns with their flesh? Or have you forgotten? But you should remember, you should help Russian people recover from their tribulations, you should surfeit them with sausage, canned meat, cereals, potatoes, bread, cabbage, yoghurt, pollack, baby formula, tobacco, vodka, snacks, sneakers, denim, sporting goods, medicine, cotton. And fabulously cheap used cars. And chewing gum.
But nobody likes us, except for the Jews, who, even upon finding themselves secure in the land of their ancestors, continue to suffer from unrequited love for Russia. This love, devoted unto moans and murmurs, be it womanish or slavish, was the only thing that annoyed me in Israel.
—Yuri Nagibin, Darkness at the End of the Tunnel, 19, translated by MZ |
Tags: bullshit, comedy, jews, russian
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11:38 am
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what was hawaii doing in the pacific?
Reproduced from Zero Mostel’s FBI file:
Stage Door Canteen, Thursday, 13 August 1942
ZERO MOSTEL SPOT
MOSTEL:My impression of a peculiar sapiensis Americanis, (the Isolationist Senator), who digs at our great President, is a holder of an X card, cannot get along on the starvation wages of $25,000 a year -- the honorable Senator Phineas T. Pellegra, who never gets excited, who is always very calm and cool as he speaks about the democracy in which he doesn't believe -- in.
My fellow Americans, I take off my hat in America to no one -- but in this great land of opportunity, in this great land of democracy, in the midst of plenty, where we have these various sacred principles that our fathers have fought for in the past, present and future, then I must reiterate that all our strength, that all our power, these same principles which we know to be true on the one hand -- and on the other hand.
I may be vague, but permit me to be serious and bituminous at this moment, to illustrate this story with an incident that was related to me by the president of U.S. Congeal, a struggling monopoly.
He said to me, "Pellegra (he calls me by my first disease), you take your attitude away from your platitude -- what have you got -- FIDUCIARY?" -- and this shows, my fellow Americans, that we cannot pursue a policy... that we cannot pursue a policy... that we cannot pursue a policy of... (DOUBLE TALK) .....FORGET IT!
I say to you, AMERICA FIRST!!!
(And what is the trouble with our war effort? I will tell you. The trouble with our war effort is that we have too many allies... twenty-six... we are too crowded! It is not restricted enough! Why, my golf club has more rules for admission than this war. Before we know it, it will be an unequal battle... the Axis will be outnumbered. Is that fair? Is that the American way?)
One final word. You know, I come from a state where there are no conditions, and if I were to tell the most serious and grievous problem facing the American people about this so-called Japanese attack on Hawaii, I have this to offer to you, my fellow Americans...... From one corner of our great land, in Rhode Island, to the other corner in California..... DOUBLE TALK..... DOUBLE TALK..... DOUBLE TALK..... This one question..... WHAT WAS HAWAII DOING IN THE PACIFIC?  Agent's Note
It is believed the above excerpts taken from the broadcast of Stage Door Canteen on 13 August 1942 by the Columbia Broadcast System resulted in Sokolsky's criticism of the Subject in his column. Attention is directed to the fact that the script was not presented in its original form. The program director made deletions of certain passages in the script, which he apparently felt were in bad taste. These are shown in the script in brackets.
Tags: comedy, history, jews, politics, war
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12:52 pm
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you can lead a horticulture…
Thus Peter Cook explains the difference between a proud carrier of culture (Kulturträger) and a humble consumer thereof: ( Read more... )
DUDLEY: Who does the cooking?
PETER: My wife. My wife does all the cooking, and luckily, she does all the eating as well. She’s not a well woman.
DUDLEY: She’s not a well woman?
PETER: She is not a well woman, and she very much resents having to go down the well every morning to feed the frogs. She dislikes it intensely. We have to lower her screaming on a rope. Frogs don’t like it either. ( Read more... )
Tags: comedy
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10:20 am
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happy centenary, samuel
Le Concentrisme
Monsieur
Vous êtes le premier à vous intéresser à cet imbécile. Voici tout ce que j’en sais : j’ai fait sa connaissance ou, plus exactement, il m’a imposé cette incommodité, la veille de sa mort, à Marseille. Il s’est cramponné à moi dans un sombre bistrot où, à cette époque, j’avais l’excellente habitude d’aller me soûler deux fois par semaine. « Vous avez l’air » me dit-il « suffisamment idiot pour m’inspirer une confiance extrême. Enfin » poursuivit-il — (je ne change rien à ses logogriphes) — « enfin et pour la première fois je tombe sur un animal qui, si j’ose en croire mes yeux, est totalement et idéalement dépourvu d’intelligence, plongé dans une divine et parfaite nullité. » Il s’interrompit, se découvrit, et puis, d’une voix vibrante : « Je vous embrasse, mon frère ! » s’écria-t-il. Je le repoussai vivement. Il faillit tomber, pâlit, et se mit à tousser d’une façon si douloureuse que je ne pus m’empêcher de regretter la violence de mon geste. Mais il se reprit bientôt et m’adressa de nouveau, maintenant d’une voix à peine perceptible.
« Monsieur » dit-il, « permettez-vous que je vous pose une question ? » ( Read more... ) Gnome
Spend the years of learning squandering
Courage for the years of wandering
Through a world politely turning
From the loutishness of learning.
— written after Samuel Beckett’s resignation from Trinity College; published in the Dublin Magazine IX 3 (July-September 1934); reproduced from Samuel Beckett, Collected Poems in English & French, Grove Press, 1977, p. 7 ( Read more... ) Dotage
When your mind’s no longer flowing
Through the conduits of knowing,
Train yourself to forgo fretting
Over things not worth forgetting.
—MZ, 13 April 2006, 10:20 PST |
Tags: beckett, comedy, doggerel, dotage, french, translation
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06:08 pm
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looking for loopholes
SITTING ON THE BENCH
(Fortune Theatre, London, 1961)
Yes, I could have been a judge but I never had the Latin, never had the Latin for the judging. I just never had sufficient of it to get through the rigorous judging exams. They’re noted for their rigour. People came staggering out saying ‘My God, what a rigorous exam’—and so I became a miner instead. A coal miner. I managed to get through the mining exams—they’re not very rigorous. They only ask one question. They say ‘Who are you?’, and I got 75% for that. ( Read more... )
Tags: comedy, death, memory
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12:20 am
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selected sound bites from webex watchers
Tis The Season.....
Due to intense media scrutiny, the annual Gala Daughter Pork Fest has been moved to a new, undisclosed location and the date has been changed.
Those of you who have daughters. Think for a moment about raping her. Pretty distrubing? Damn right. Now, do you really want to be affiliated with anyone who’s moral compass is so badly out of adjustment that daughter raping falls within the “O.k. to do” list?
I don’t give a shit if you’ve made 10 million off the turd.
― Yahoo! Message Boards: WEBX, Msg 38303 by gloufam, 12/13/05 08:19 pm This Just In:
The hymen is sad…
When ruptured by Dad.
― Yahoo! Message Boards: WEBX, Msg 38332 by gloufam, 12/19/05 06:21 pm WebEx Drops Libel Claim Against Zeleny
Since December 29, 2001, Michael Zeleny has publicized child rape allegations repeatedly made since 1988 by Erin Zhu against her father Min Zhu, better known as the founder and former President and CTO of WebEx Communications, Inc. (NASDAQ:WEBX). On Friday, December 23, 2005, WebEx agreed to drop its libel lawsuit filed against Michael Zeleny for asserting that it squandered its shareholders’ assets on a failed coverup of child rape. This capitulation took place in response to Zeleny’s defense of truth asserted in the wake of two judicial sanctions imposed on WebEx for bad faith pleadings. WebEx’s aborted action against Zeleny has been funded by its shareholders’ assets.
― Yahoo! Message Boards: WEBX, Msg 38370 by helicalenzyme, 12/24/05 01:33 pm ( Read more... )
Tags: bullshit, comedy, lawyers, webex
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12:18 pm
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borat update
Responding to his government’s recent charges, Borat Sagdiyev, rated as “Number 2 TOP Television Reporter in Kazakhstan”, has officially announced his support of legal action against Ali G’s alter ego Sacha Baron Cohen: “Jagshemash! In response ro Mr. Ashykbayev’s comments, I like to state, I have no connection with Mr. Cohen and fully support my government’s decision to sue this Jew. Since the 2003 Tuleyake reforms, Kazakhstan is as civilized as any other country in the world. Women can now travel on inside of bus, homosexuals no longer have to wear blue hats, and age of consent has been raised to 8 years old. Please, the captain of industry, I invite you to come to Kazakhstan, where we have incredible natural resources, hard-working labor, and some of the cleanest prostitutes in whole of Central Asia. Goodbye! Chenque!” 
Tags: bullshit, comedy, jews
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08:55 am
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say what?
― for David W. Affeld
“Art must be despised and considered to be completely worthless before anything can be derived from it again, or else it must be applied to everything. It is therefore ridiculous to try for any kind of personal success.”
« Quand j’aurai inspiré le dégoût et l’horreur universels, j’aurai conquis la solitude. »
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“Once I have inspired universal disgust and horror, I will have conquered solitude.”
― translated by MZ |
« Ma carrière n'avait pas été un échec, commercialement tout du moins : si l’on agresse le monde avec une violence suffisante, il finit par le cracher, son sale fric ; mais jamais, jamais il ne vous redonne la joie. »
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“My career had not been a failure, at least commercially: if you assail the world with sufficient violence, it ends up spewing its filthy lucre; but never, never does it give you back any joy.”
― translated by MZ |
( Read more... )
Tags: baudelaire, comedy, corbière, doggerel, french, houellebecq, poetry, traducement
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07:20 pm
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madcap envy
Michael wishes that he could be half as funny as this: Tabloids Scream:
“Min at Work”
“SEC probes Min probes daughter”
“Erection Connection”
“Shitzhu a real dog”
― Yahoo! Message Boards: WEBX, Msg 37761 by gloufam, 08/25/05 08:13 pm In the event, he can only dream of being half as funny as the Kipper Kids.
Tags: anarchism, bullshit, comedy, webex
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07:37 am
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the loaded gun
Whilst peacefully picketing the WebEx User Conference in front of the Westin St. Francis hotel in the Union Square on May 2, Michael Zeleny and his faithful dog Cosmo both have been detained for questioning and psychological evaluation by the San Francisco Police Department and San Francisco animal control, respectively. As of this writing, the tests came out negative for Zeleny, determined fit to be released on his own recognizance. Cosmo remains in custody pending the determination of charges against him. ( Read more... )
Tags: bullshit, comedy, cosmo, guns, webex
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10:41 am
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two parables on relativity and respect
Two schnorrers [Jewish hobo-beggars] are discussing Einstein’s theory. One explains to the other patiently that, “All it means is that everything is relative. It’s like this, but it’s also like that. It’s entirely different, but it’s the same thing. You understand?” “No,” says the other schnorrer; “could you give me an example?” “Of course. Let’s say I fuck you in the ass. I have a prick in the ass, and you have a prick in the ass. It’s entirely different, but it’s the same thing. Now do you understand?” “Ah-hah!” agrees the other; “but I got one question: this way Einstein makes a living?”
— Gershon Legman, origamist and cunning linguist extraordinaire, Rationale of the Dirty Joke, Second Series
German Jewish Dueling Fraternity, 1907
A schnorrer addresses his prospective benefactor outside of a tavern: “Tell me, reb Schmuel, why is it that when I piss, it sounds like a rusty faucet leaking, but when you piss, it sounds like a mighty river flowing?” The pillar of his community glances down and replies: “I say, Moishe Pipik, could it be because when I piss, I aim into the gutter, but when you piss, you aim at my sable coat?”
— MZ
Manneken Pis, Brussels, Belgium
Tags: comedy, jews, sex, sodomy
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