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December 31st, 2025
12:10 pm

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HIC LOCUS EST UBI MORS GAUDET SUCCURRERE VITAE
Welcome to the online journal of larvatus. Stable texts are open to the general public. Squibs and sallies, schemes and stratagems, jaunts and taunts, are restricted to friends. Please note that locked texts subject to third party copyright are provided to my friends under the doctrine of fair use, subject to implied consent by all their readers to abstain from redistribution. Reciprocal friendship shall be extended to all sane, sound, and disinterested personae. Comments and critique are always welcome. Marriage proposals and death threats shall be entertained in the order received.
    The House Rules are few and lax. All anonymous comments are initially screened. They shall be revealed or answered at your host’s discretion. All signed comments are initially presumed welcome, until and unless they cause an affront to your host. Thereupon their author shall become banned from further contributions to this journal. Otherwise, anything goes.
                        SAY WHAT?

                                                                                         ÇA ?
                                                                      Tristan Corbière


A treatise? You don’t say! I haven’t treated squat!
A study? Slothful wretch, my culture fetid rot.
A volume? Random heap, sheets stacked in disarray.
Good copy? Not with me enmired in the fray.

A poem? Not today, my lyre is being cleaned.
A book? Of fusty tomes far better to be weaned.
A song? Would that it were, my ear is made of tin.
Fun pastime? Sordid den, dire boredom dwells within.

A cadence? Rhythmic flow is broken by dull grind.
A product? I divide what others multiplied.
A story? Handicapped, my lame and laggard Muse.
Clear proof? My mind is fraught by grief and lit by booze.

High fashion? Wealth and style inform nowhere my dress.
Grandstanding or grand mal? My spasms fail to impress.
Evicted from the hall, I lurk behind the stage,
In transit, poised to choose: a joy house or a cage.

Too old? But to retire, my tenure won’t suffice.
Too young? My hectic life will rid me of this vice.
A sage, a slob, an ace, a master, and a clown,
A stud without a flock, a king without a crown.

THIS is without pretense, and yet a blatant pose.
It’s life and nothing but, confessed in deathless prose.
A masterpiece? Could be, I never made one yet!
A farce? A waste? A bomb? Decide and place your bet!

I bet… and I shall sign herewith my humble name;
My child shall overcome each tainted libel claim.
Through chance it will prevail, its fate a stroke of luck
Art knows me not at all — and I don’t give a fuck.

                      — traduced by MZ, 6 September 2005


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10:00 am

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for the anonymous troll
Over sixteen twenty years online, I have received a broad spectrum of threats and pitches, and entertained a commensurate range of slurs and plaudits. This experience has crystallized two iron laws of online communications.

The first law is a corollary of Occam’s razor. No matter what you are promised or threatened on the Internet, the most you will get out of it is oral ministrations. In other words, there is no downside in moving virtual bluster to realspace. Yonder puffed-out sock puppet is as unlikely to escalate its verbiage to physical damage, as the heiress of an African potentate, to bestow her commission upon Americans paying their facilitation fees. By contrast, that virtual fellatrix yearning to reward your eloquence with expert suction may well come through as promised, especially if you overlook minor discrepancies ranging from mien to gender.

The second law of Internet intercourse is a corollary of the first. Only a clueless newbie responds personally to an anonymous troll. To illustrate its application, whenever one of the latter kind feels the urge to share its thoughts about anything but one of the former, it should take them instead to someone who can relate to its bogus persona. It makes no difference whether a figment of this sort touts itself as a public intellectual in mufti, or poses as a skank that services barnyard livestock for spare change. In the immortal words of Jack Nicholson, sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here.

A final notice to the insistent incognito. When you surpass words in punishing my excesses, make sure that your hostile deeds leave me unfit to retaliate. My reckoning will define the remainder of your life. It’s happened to your betters before. Don’t let it happen to you.

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May 24th, 2015
12:02 pm

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May 23rd, 2015
12:02 pm

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May 21st, 2015
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May 20th, 2015
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May 19th, 2015
12:02 pm

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May 18th, 2015
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May 17th, 2015
12:02 pm

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May 16th, 2015
12:02 pm

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May 15th, 2015
03:13 pm

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extracted from correspondence
Dear Fred,

Good to hear from you. I appreciate your advice in this matter, but you overestimate my budget and misunderstand my intent. As to the former, I can get into a fully functional Ferret with an operational semiauto Browning M1919A4 for under $20,000. Concerning the latter, my paranoia is well served by driving a Dodge Ram Viper truck. The armored vehicle is meant as a prop for performance art. Think of Marvin Heemeyer achieving his goals short of property damage and suicide, by peacefully revving the engine of his armored bulldozer till he attained appropriate relief. As you advise me on my business, consider that its model is nearly classical. I am angling for a win-win outcome of the prospective transaction, but only after I have expended all my legitimate resources to bring down my clients to the level that befits their moral stature. As a fellow troll performance artist has pointed out in the political arena, “This is about freedom. The Second Amendment is there to protect the First Amendment. The Second Amendment is there to protect all our freedoms.” Truer words were never spoken.

And how are you?

Michael@massmeans.com | Zeleny@post.harvard.edu | 7576 Willow Glen Road, Los Angeles, CA 90046 | voice:323.363.1860 | fax:323.410.2373
http://larvatus.livejournal.com | “All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” — Samuel Beckett

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12:02 pm

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May 14th, 2015
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May 13th, 2015
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May 12th, 2015
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May 11th, 2015
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May 10th, 2015
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May 9th, 2015
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May 8th, 2015
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May 7th, 2015
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May 6th, 2015
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May 5th, 2015
12:03 pm

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May 3rd, 2015
12:02 pm

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My tweets
  • Sun, 11:39: My girlfriend is weird. She begins every conversation with “Were you even listening to me?”
  • Sun, 11:45: A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve... http://t.co/ibLXOWZtjF
  • Sun, 11:53: Q: What is the difference between a dollar and a ruble? A: A dollar.
  • Sun, 11:56: Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems. Every time they had sex, she would complain about splinters.... http://t.co/Hf2XGKIUE8

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May 1st, 2015
12:02 pm

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April 30th, 2015
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April 29th, 2015
12:03 pm

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April 28th, 2015
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April 27th, 2015
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April 26th, 2015
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April 25th, 2015
12:02 pm

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